People-pleasing, Emotional Suppression & Cancer

What does people-pleasing have to do with cancer you may wonder?

Let's talk about it.

People-pleasing is well past being kind, caring or generous. It’s a deeper pattern of consistently putting the needs, emotions, and wellbeing of others ahead of yourself. Often at the expense of one’s own physical, emotional, and mental health.

I have seen this pattern in so many, if not, all of my clients who are dealing with cancer. I saw it in myself too.

Many people who identify as people-pleasers have spent a lifetime being “the strong one.” The dependable one. The caregiver. The peacekeeper. The person everyone else could lean on.

These behaviors in adulthood are learned in childhood. As children we are dependent on our primary caregivers for our basic needs to be met. At a primal level, children are fully dependent on their caregivers for their basic needs. 

Another way of saying this is that, as a child, you need your parents. There is no other option but to count on the adults in your life. Aside from meeting our basic needs of food, we also need our parents to acknowledge us and love us. These concepts allow us to grow into emotionally and mentally sound adults.

Here's the issue. For most of us, there were gaps in the ways that we were loved. These gaps of love, safety and security came in a variety of ways. This is not about blaming or shaming  your parents. The reality is that they did the best they could with what they knew or were taught. These “teachings” have been passed down from generation to generation. 

The ways we raise children are programs that run deep based on belief systems that are unconsciously weaved into the very fabric of our society. Often the "way things are" go so far back that no one really understands or knows where it originated from. Here are a few examples that may sound familiar from our childhoods: the expectations to get good grades, take care of our siblings, work a job at a young age, clean up our room, not cry even if we wanted to, be obedient, be helpful, and share our toys even if we didn't feel like it. These are just some of the ways that may have contributed to our  people-pleasing patterns as adults.

As adults, people-pleasing shows up as:

• difficulty saying no
• poor boundaries
• chronic stress
• emotional suppression
• over-responsibility
• exhaustion
• resentment
• hypervigilance
• self-neglect 

And while these patterns may appear functional from the outside, internally it creates a prolonged state of stress and emotional tension.

Prolonged and repeated stress and emotional tension can eventually lead to chronic poor health. Cancer is one example, but definitely not the only disease that can occur in the body due to these patterns. 

Often how we know we are people-pleasing is noticing a contraction that happens inside. It can be a subtle pinch of a "no" that we are overriding. Our mind says "say yes", but at the same time we are feeling a visceral "no".

Over time, I refer to the pinch or contraction as tension or stagnation in the body. This tension is important because when there is tension, there is a lack of flow. Our bodies need to flow in order to exist as harmoniously as possible.

Ask yourself:

How many times did you ignore your own needs?
Silence your emotions?
Push through exhaustion?
Say yes when your body wanted to say no?
Take care of everyone else while quietly abandoning yourself?

The first step is simply becoming aware of these patterns — and this is part of the work I support clients with cancer through. Noticing the patterns of people-pleasing can help all of us-not just those with cancer.